I Am Ready for Another Chance at Love

I am going through a separation; the final separation.

It was about two weeks ago that I called my ex-boyfriend who just moved back home to Indiana. We had talked about me visiting him and possibly meeting in Chicago. I made some arrangements and gave him a call. He gave me the worst news. He was in a new relationship. I dug deep and expressed some genuine feelings of happiness for him, but my feelings on the surface were quite different.

First girlfriends have always been very difficult for me. I tend to analyze myself and how I was in the relationship. Was this another relationship where I always left first in fear that he would leave me again? Yes. Did we trust each other? No; trust was broken very early on in our relationship and trust continued to be broken throughout the four years. Did I love him? Yes. Was I selfish? Yes. I have noticed that being in grad school had a big part in my choices; my choices to choose me instead of us. Did my adoption journey have something to do with my push back? Yes. I don’t think I understood how to love anybody else because I lacked love for myself.

I will admit, these last few years as I tried to make sense of my loss and really accept that I have no access to my family lineage hasn’t created the best opportunity to love myself. I looked to my college and career success as a way to love myself, which is why I chose to be selfish while I was in school. But there’s so much more than degrees and finding a job.

He was right in many ways when we reflected on our four year on and off again relationship during our last phone call and text messages. I didn’t want to be with him in a real way. I have thought about his words and what that means to me. I agree, but didn’t stop there. I asked myself why, why did I not commit to him the way that he deserved? The way that we both deserved.

I cannot change what happened, but I do know how I want to change today. My feelings about a relationship and commitment has shifted and I am now ready to admit out loud what it is that I want, what I am ready for, what I deserve and hope for.

I want a real relationship too. I want to build on trust, transparency, respect, and love. I want to commit. I want to stay and not run when arguments arise. I want to give and receive love. I want to feel like I deserve love. I want to make sacrifices. I want to compromise. I want to take risks. I want to feel, and not think so much. I want to admit that I need help. I want to balance my independence and a partnership. I want to build a home and a family together. I want to open myself up and allow love in.

He was caring, loving and very patient. He is greatly missed. Now, I just need to snap out of it and stop hoping that he will text me. :/

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Motherhood Transcends Humans

Motherhood hasn’t always been something I looked forward to. I mean, I do want to be a mother and I am confident that I will raise an intelligent, brave, and spiritual gifted human being, but that desire and confidence has developed in the last five years or so.

Now looking back, motherhood has always been a part of my life. I was longing for the presence of my birth mother while loving my mother who is present everyday. Does this feeling of craving my birth mother transcend beyond human beings? Of course, how could animals, insects, and mammals not have an emotional connection to their mothers? It was so obvious; I made the connection!

Since choosing a vegan lifestyle a few years ago, my energetic pull to the Universe has helped me open my heart and soul to another identical form of motherhood; motherhood that takes place in the farm industry, but is so often hindered because of the selfish desire to consume meat and dairy.

The sole purpose of a female cow on a diary farm is to be constantly raped and to give birth. To hear a mother scream and cry for her baby that is suddenly stolen from her only hours after giving birth to simply produce milk for the dairy industry is heart wrenching. The pain and yearning that that mother goes through are feelings that I cannot imagine going through myself, so why direct the feelings onto another helpless being?

The milk that the mother spends nine months producing inside of her is never given to her calf, instead its bottled up and sent to the store for human consumption. NO being should experience that pain and grief after having their child stolen for the sake of creating milk, cheese, and yogurt. These products come from grieving mothers.

Since I can relate to that pain and longing for my birth mother, I knew that I can never cause another being to feel that same grief and pining by financially supporting the dairy industry.

 

The story of Rita, a pregnant pig with 10 piglets, was smashed in a truck bound for the slaughterhouse. She was expected to die, but her mother instincts told her to escape. Rita jumped from a moving truck and was saved!! She was dropped of at Animal Place Sanctuary where she gave birth in a safe and clean space with nothing but love floating around in the air. Rita represents motherhood with the love for her children, the bravery to escape, and the fight for their lives.

Recognizing and having empathy for the bond between a mother and child is connected to my loss for my natural mother. I know the feeling of loss and separation, so I have chosen not to contribute to putting other animals, beings, mothers, and children through the same experience by choosing a vegan lifestyle.

We are all equal, with a heart, emotions, and the ability to nurture relationships with others.  Farm animals deserve to take care of their children.

#FamilyPreservation