These were the words my mother said to me when she spoke about me and my birth mother. At first, I thought it is very sweet and endearing. I agreed with her and felt like as though I was a gift.
It wasn’t until later when I started to hear the stories of birth mothers and the pain that they have to endure to gain the courage to relinquish their natural born child and give up their rights to parent. Hearing the stories of endless tears, doubt, regret, confusion, grief, lies, and fear made me think… “Was I really a gift from my birth mother?”
It just seems so hard to believe that if my birth mother even felt just one or two of these feelings, then how can I be given as a gift. Gifts are given from one person to another with the desire to give. Did my mother have the desire to give her child to another family? Gifts are wrapped up in beautiful, shiny, wrapping paper with a large red bow. Did I come wrapped up in a bow with a card? Gifts are given without any obligation attached. Did my birth mother feel obligated to give her child away?
I am not trying to take away the feeling or minimize my mothers feelings about receiving her gift. If she wants to feel and believe that I was a gift, then she has every right to feel that way. For all I know, my mother could be talking about something completely different than what I am speaking of now. My interpretation could be off or my simple minded understanding of her words could be a long shot from her truth. I am not in her position.
Now that I know how some birth mothers feel about giving birth and really having no other options that keep their child with them, I don’t think my birth mother sees it the same way. I truly believe that no woman would view their child as a gift to give to another family. I do not have any children of my own at this point, so I can only imagine how heartbreaking and devastating it could be to give up my rights to parent my child regardless of the situation I am in. And now to turn and wrap that heartache and trauma into a gift of love with a bow seems to be minimizing the feelings of the first woman involved.
The Adoptee Diary 
I guess some gifts aren’t wrapped up in shiny paper and a bow. Maybe some gifts are wrapped in pain and tears but on the knowledge that the gift being given is incredible and better off being given?
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Hello Mercy, thank you for your comment… my first comment!
After I sat on this post for awhile and began to rethink what I wrote, I think that my issue stems from the word “gift” I don’t think that “gift” is the proper word It probably is for my mother, but I don’t think I like to be referred to as a gift… at least not right now. I think your question is valid. I ask myself the same question all the time. Am I better off now? The answer is that nobody will ever know and it is disheartening to hear that people say I am, event though they really have no idea if me being separated from my birth mother was best. I’d rather hear, “I don’t know if your life is better now” than to hear someone’s assumptions based off of preconceived ideas of what life was like for my birth mother in India.
Thanks again!
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I gotcha. Yeah, i think there’s something special about your birth parents. Some odd connection you can’t really shake. My husband and I are hoping to find his birth family. The idea of someone with the same traits as my hubby fascinates me. We aren’t telling his adoptive parents, though. We dont want to hurt them, as much as possible. I’m glad he was adopted, just because if he wasn’t, we never would have met. I couldnt imagine life without him. And i’m sure you have been a joy to your mother.
That’s so cool! My hubby and i are living in India right now! Do you know which part you were born in?
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Hi, what part of India are you living in? I am from Goa. I began and completed my search for my birth mother over the course of five years. My friends and I made a documentary film about our adventure. You can find the trailer and the website under one of the tabs on my blog.
Not telling adoptive parents is very common. I told my parents because I felt I had to, but I didn’t ask their permission. To my surprise, many people asked if I asked their permission to search. For me, I feel like it is my birth right to find and meet the people who gave me life and I don’t need to ask anybody’s permission for that. If my parents were sad or angry about it, then that really has nothing to do with me. I have read that many other adoptees don’t feel the same way I do, but resemble how you and your husband feel. Its too bad that all the weight of everybody else’s feelings are on our shoulders, as adoptees. Anyways, I hope you had a wonderful holiday season!
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Oh cool! We love Goa! I’ll check it out! We’re going to document it when we go on the hunt for Matts parents. Did you ever meet her?
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I met a woman but I cannot confirm if it is truly her or not. When my film is available to the public, I am going to share it on here. That should be happening sometime this summer. Documenting is very important. Now that I have started this blog, I do wish that I had created this blog during my search. It was a very intense point in my life and people need/want to know about it.
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Its interesting to hear the thoughts and feelings of things most people never think about 🙂
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